wx's guide to ultimate bike cleaning

RETARD'S GUIDE
to
BIKE CLEANING
by Ang Weixuan
issue 1

What you need:
1. a bike
2. a cleaner
3. this guide
4. weixuan's phone number (for emergency)
5. phone with activated simcard
6. car wash detergent
7. sponge
8. chamois ( pronounced share-mee : yellow sweat like fabric )
9. me (:

Bike wash Procedures
1. Take out bike
2. Wash bike
3. Dry bike
4. packup

No just kidding.

Bike wash Procedures
1. Release the quick-release knobs to remove both wheels, if not simply remove the rear wheel (so that water would not enter the hubs [ the axle connecting your spokes to the rim {the big metal ring with rubber on its pheripheral region} ] ). For commuter bikes dont matter cos the hubs would be well sealed. Note: if yours is a plain commuter bike, don't bother reading this section, skip to 2. (haha! jackk)

2. hose entire bike down with water. [optional: try to avoid pouring water directly onto the cassette {the toothy thing behind with the mechanical arm like thing}, as well as the bottom bracket {the pivotal point of your cranks(the metal arm which ur pedal attached to)} ]. Have to hose first to remove particles, which may scratch your frame when u wipe it.

3. pour detergent into pail and add water. Soak sponge and wipe down bike. Start with frame, den go on to dirtier regions. Commonsense you have? If stiff brush, enthusiasm and willingness are present, you may proceed to scrub the wheels.

4. Important: treat your bike with respect. Bathe it like how you bathe yourself. Lovingtendercare is the watchword. Drowning of bike in swimming pool is unacceptable. People caught doing so will be refered to the SPCB (refer to section 1; appendix)

5. Dab dry bike with clean dry chamois. Failure to comply would result in dried water marks (all the dead and dried microscopic water animals)

6. Job is done. [optional: wash up the area around your bike, if you own the place]


Now you're a happy boy with a happy bike!! -->


Disclaimer: I not responsible for any damage inflicted upon bike due to incompetent scrubbing. If bike is still not clean, you suck, if not, contact weixuan for bike maintenance services.

Queries: Should any doubt materialize, please contact weixuan, (refer to section 2;appendix)

Additional procedures: Drivetrain maintenance
What you need:
1. Chainbreaker
2. Putoline chain grease/motorbike grease or similiar products
3. Chain wash tools
Procedures:
[Alert: sorry, you are not knowledgeable enough to access this data. Please refer to section 3; appendix, or contact weixuan for bike maintenance services. ]

Appendix

1. SPCB - Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Bikes. An all-profit society founded by Ang Weixuan in the early 00's, bent on eradicating irresponsible and negligent bike owners by means of fabricating tales and setting up crimescenes, after which a heavy fine would be imposed on them. Their ultimate goal: world peace.
2. Contact weixuan: please refer to the top right corner of this blog, where his email address can be found.
3. You need professional guidance, contact weixuan, refer to section 2; appendix
4. Weixuan's bike maintenance services. Not open 24/7. Availability is subject to availability and mood-of-the-day. Call for more details. $5 for bike cleaning only, $10 for bike tuning, repair and/or maintenance. $8 for bike polishing. $20 for full package. $0.50 will be charged for every bus/mrt stop it takes to reach your house. Early birds no discount.


COMING UP IN THE NEXT FEW ISSUES!
Issue 2: wx's guide to ultimate bike shining
includes: detailed step-by-step instructions to how to wash your bike, as well as how weixuan
will not be responsible for any eye damage caused by visual admiration of your polished bike.
Issue 3: wx's guide to why-weixuan-quit-cross-country! (HOT!!!)
We analyse what led weixuan to the final decision of quitting cross country!Includes coach/weixuan conversations!